Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
