i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
