My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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