So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
