Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
