you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
