I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
