I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All I want is dick and wine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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