what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
