My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
