I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
