Someone shit on the floor
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
