its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
