Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
