So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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