she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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