in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
