just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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