I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
