I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I enjoy the company of your penis
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
