I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
