have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i drank out of a bidet.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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