watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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