How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
