You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
