nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
