Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
