Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
