dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry about my life...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
