the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
