Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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