Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
