He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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