Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they need to just BURY HIM!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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