I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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