so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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