im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
