The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
