Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
