you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My penis needs a shock collar
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
