I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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