she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
