he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
MIDGETS
????
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
