Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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