Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i think my cat just said my name.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
