So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
