We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
