just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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