she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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