someone owes me an orgasm
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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